I've been meaning to blog all week but it seems every time I plan a time to do it something comes up. I've learned that 9 times out of 10 when it comes to things like this that it's most often spiritual warfare. So tonight I decided to push through the funk and share with you what the Lord's been doing in my heart here recently.
So this past month a particular situation happened that left me battling some major insecurity. Though insecurity is a common thing that I battle here and there at different times, it normally doesn't shake me to the core or cause me think thoughts and experience feelings that leave me shocked at my own self. It was weird. So weird, that I knew I had to take it to the Lord and ask Him to reveal to me what in the world was going on there. So I began to pray and ask the Lord to reveal what that was all about. It's as if I heard him say, "I'm so glad you asked...."=)
Well, it all kind of started the day of my 26th birthday after Mike and I had just left to go out and celebrate my birthday. Within a few minutes of being in the car, I randomly started having this craving to just be alone with the Lord, just me and Him. My heart started to get heavy and I couldn't shake the feeling. I know when the Lord means business and this was one of those times. I couldn't shake it, so after about 10 minutes of being in the car, I said, "Babe I know this is weird but I just really feel like I'm supposed to just go away by myself and spend time with the Lord...now." Thankfully I have a husband that understands the conviction of God and His 'inconvenient' timing sometimes, so he recommended that I take the hour before our reservation and just drive off somewhere and see what the Lord had on His mind. So I dropped Mike off at a shopping center and went and found a random parking spot where I felt secluded; just me and God.
(The next part of this may sound weird to you but it's part of the story so bare with me.)
So I'm sitting there in my parked car and feel the Lord leading me to get out my journal and listen to "Oh how loves me" by Kim Walker. I've heard that song a MILLION times but I just went with it and turned it on. Well, she got the first sentence out, "He is jealous for me.." and I just started weeping, uncontrollably. As weird as it was, in that moment of brokenness I felt like God was desperate for me to encounter His unconditional love in a way that I never had before...and I did.
In that one hour with the Lord, He showed me things about myself I never realized...insecurities I didn't realize I had...agreements I had made about myself that I was blind to. He replaced lies with truth. He supernaturally healed areas of my heart I didn't know were broken. He did surgery on my heart and it was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced.
You see, what He showed me during that time is that my entire life I have been programmed to believe things that are contrary to the truth in His word. I don't know how you have been programmed but mine goes something like this:
What is your value? What is your worth? Oh that's easy....
how smart are you? how athletic are you? how do you measure up to those around you? how well decorated is your house? how fit are you? how tan are you? how big/small is your chest...your butt...your thighs...your waist? how successful are you? how clean do you keep your house? how big is your savings account? how obedient, well adjusted is your child? how much do those you love appreciate you? how do you think others see you? how stylish are you? how good of a cook are you? how good of a mom are you???........
Trust me, I could go on and on, but the point is my whole life I've been programmed to believe that my value is a sum of my parts. Oh, and the enemy has been cruel. No matter how hard I work to "measure up" he'll just find another area of weakness in my life or on my body, and say, "see...unlovely and unlovable."
I'll never forget one thing the Lord told me that night. He said, "Alicia, finding your worth and value in anything else but me is the most addictive drug ever. It may satisfy for the moment but the next day you'll wake up just as empty and desperate for more. You will crave it and you will do anything to get more of it. It will destroy you and it will destroy your destiny."
So as you can imagine, I've been relentless in processing through how I was programmed, and now I've been going through each lie and replacing it with truth. The more I've been mediating on truth the more I become convinced of it.
Truth is, God doesn't look at outward appearance (what the world looks at), God looks at the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7). Truth is, charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30).
Oh God, re-program me to love what you love and value what you value. Help me see past the deception and the lies of this world.
Re-program me, Lord...re-program me.