The "Oh SO Ugly"...

So like I've told you, with the Lord, I can really be an amazing person but without the Lord, it's really awful. Reallllly awful. And, well, lets just say this past week was just that behind closed doors.

For various reasons, I was really busy and constantly exhausted this week, and as a result, missed a few days spending time with the Lord. Usually in my time with the Lord every morning before Bella awakes, I spend time renewing my mind with truth, journaling my thoughts and feelings, spend time being thankful and worshiping, and proactively work to get a game plan for overcoming my fleshly-self for that day. So as you can imagine, after a few days of not doing that it had gotten pretty ugly. This was my entry the day I returned back to journaling:

"Ok, so it's been a few days and I can definitely tell. My grace levels are low, my compassion has run dry, my fuse is short, my attitude is negative, and I feel depleted of strength and energy. I feel like there is no more wind left in these sails. Oh how I need you to water my soul like only you can do..."

Unfortunately by the time I got to this point the damage was already done. I spent all week nagging my husband, being extremely un-gracious, overly particular, controlling, secretly keeping score of who's helped with Bella more, feeding my insecurity by being overly concerned about my image and perception, hurting my husbands feelings, running my self ragged in an effort to keep a perfect house and great food for guest, etc. So after being exhausted, run-down, emotional and a dripping faucet ALL WEEK....I finally started to realize what was going on.

So after writing that previous journal entry, I was in need of a good encouraging word from the Lord. Well, I was actually standing in church on Saturday singing this song when it happened:

"Found in your hands, fullness of joy
Every fear suddenly wiped away, here in your presence
All of my gains now fade away
Every crown no longer on display, here in your presence
Heaven is trembling in awe of your wonders
the kings and their kingdoms are standing amazed.

Here in your presence, we are undone
Here in your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in your presence, all things are new
Here in your presence, everything bows before you

Instantly, the Lord started speaking to my heart: "Alicia, you can't be undone, you can't be made new and your flesh will not bow if you don't make it a priority to spend time in my presence every day. You can put on the best outfit, have a perfect hair day, adorn yourself with beautiful accessories, great makeup job, perfectly clean home, great meal, and good looking family, but that will never make you beautiful. The only thing that will satisfy your soul and make you beautiful beyond words is the work we do in our time together."

God pulled me closer and said, "You can afford to have a messy house, you can afford to get less sleep, you can afford to have dirty laundry, and you can afford to put your hair in a pony tail but you can't afford what you'll miss if you don't spend time with me. You can't afford to have a thought in your head that I didn't put there. If you do, you will hurt people you love, your grace and strength will run out, and the enemy will have a field day with you. You don't have it in yourself to be who you need to be and do what you need to do without the life and without the freedom found in your time with me."

His words pierced by heart, down to the marrow like the scripture says (Hebrews 4:12-For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.)

Instantly I repented to the Lord. Then in the middle of worship turned to Mike and said, "baby I'm so sorry, will you forgive me?" And he, of course, was gracious.

Since then, the Lord has shown me things I allow to get in way of my time with him and cause me to start running in my own, limited strength. Also, I'm starting to realize the enemies ways of stealing that time from me. I'm being reminded that sometimes they are even good things. Regardless, I have to learn to be relentless when it comes to getting alone time with the Lord.

So this morning when my alarm clock went off and everything in me was exhausted and wanted to push snooze, I just reminded myself of His words to me, "You can afford to get less sleep, but you can't afford to miss what happens in our time together." And he was right. Because I started out my day thankful, full of truth, and fully suited up, I was able to enjoy a wonderful day with my family. It really is true that one day in His presence is better than a thousand, or even just 3, elsewhere...