Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Spiritually Bipolar

Spiritually Bipolar. That's my new name for how I feel so often. One minute I'm walking according to my "spirit person" and then the next I'm feeling things and acting in ways completely contrary to that. Where did this come from? Why did I just respond that way? My peace is gone and I feel awful inside. My heart is hurting and I can't think straight...why do I feel this way?...where did this come from? Why such an unmerited response?

I have found that God most often uses these "spiritually bipolar" moments to teach and grow me more than anything. I was going to say "build character" but in all honesty the word character slightly makes me nauseous. Sometimes times I feel like saying, "I really appreciate the offer Lord, but I've got about all the character I can handle at the moment." =)

But since I know how much He loves me, and have seen His faithfulness thus far and know He is always working to set me free to have a more abundant life... I roll with it... with open hands...but at times an anxious heart. We all know "heart surgery" is never fun... but absolutely critical in our relationship with God. Most often the only way to heal is to first under-go surgery. I can't count how many surgeries I've had to date but enough to know it's worth it. So this week when I started a book about insecurity by Beth Moore I made sure that I signed on the bottom line giving God full permission to do surgery (once again) if needed along the way.

I assume you know how that turned out being that God rarely lets an opportunity like that go to waste. =)

Well, I don't know about you but if there is one thing that I think causes me to be the most spiritually bipolar it's insecurity. Most often when I do something or feel something that is way off in left field, it's usually tied to some form of insecurity or fear for self. And I must admit... I HATE this!! I can't tell you how many times I leave a conversation or hang out with others and leave feeling like " who was that in there?" or "where in the world did that come from?" I hate it. Over time I've dealt with so many roots of insecurity but despite all the years of work this ugly thing still pop ups too often. This is always a big sign to me that something is still not right. I've learned that I can try to change the fruit all I want but until I tear down that tree and destroy that vine and build a new one...old fruit will still pop up... despite my efforts. I hate being a "sheer-will-power-fruit-hider-girl"...I want freedom...sheer freedom.

So I pick up the book and start to read. Beth starts by giving a definition of insecurity; this is what it was:

"The insecure person harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and for others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery."

In case I wasn't sure if I experienced insecurity, this about cleared it up. Yep, definitely got that.

Then Beth went on to talk about different things in the book that can cause deep rooted insecurity. (insecurity is always multifaceted but I've found there is usually one main thing that it stems from and from that other branches form.) So I'm reading through them.. The first one doesn't hit me really... nor the second...but by the third I'm crying.

I hand over the scalpel because I know it's time for surgery.

I'm not going to go into detail for the sake of honoring others, but the one that hit me was rejection. You see, throughout my childhood (and some adulthood) I felt rejected by some people I really cared about and really desired their acceptance. Overtime I figured out how to get there acceptance in small ways, so I began to strive to excel in those areas. Add many years to that issue and here you have a girl that is desperate for acceptance and struggles with perfectionism, control, fear of failure, and is often extremely self-critical. What a mess. Then as if that's not enough, I believe I have what she labeled, "perceptual rejection" in which, I've become pre-dispositioned to it and expect to be rejected even when I'm not. Then my desire for acceptance is so high that it causes me to created so many unrealistic expectations that even in healthy relationships the feeling of rejection is almost inevitable. Craziness!!! THEN you add to THAT the fact that I'm a naturally sensitive person anyways!?!?! No wonder I have issues.

"Wow, Lord, where do I start?"...I wondered. Thankfully the first step in overcoming is realizing what the battle is. So now, it's on my radar screen. Check. Now I ask the Lord to show me when I feel it and then replace each feeling/lie with His truth about that situation. For example, today I was on the phone with one of Bella's doctors and he was incredibly rude, insensitive, and cold. He even cut me off telling me he didn't have time to hear the details of Bella's situation. Ugh. Sting. 'Not only did you reject me but you rejected my child.' I got off the phone and felt awful and couldn't shake it. Then I heard this still small voice say,

"I care. Just know that the one that has all the power to help Bella, cares the deepest. It's ok...I care, Alicia"

Healing... I can feel it. Tears fill my eyes as I type. He cares...I can't tell you how good that feels to hear Him say that...

I want you to know that I say none of this with a bitter heart. We are all broken people and broken people hurt people. I don't blame those people and I don't blame that doctor or whoever I perceive has rejected me or my heart that day. They are not the enemy and they are not my savior. Healing is not found in the perfect performance of any person, healing is only found in the Lord. He is the only one that can heal my heart. He's the only one that can help me pull that ugly root to the surface and destroy that thing inch by inch, and His words of truth are the only words that have the power to heal and expose every lie I've believed up to this point.

You know, if you would have asked me a year ago I would have said, "Yep! Already dealt/dealing with that" (insecurity that is). But God showed me this the other day: He gave me this image of me (a few years ago) discovering this root of insecurity and working through it to the point that I thought, "Ok, glad I dealt with that." But behind the scenes God was shaking the soil and loosening everything up to prepare for this week when I'd barely pull on that old weed and *BAM*... out comes this HUGE root that was feeding the other roots. And here I am once again, on the path to more healing and even though I'm just two days into this journey, it already feels so good.

He is so faithful...and so sweet to love me enough and care enough to do the hardest surgery there is. It's the only surgery and type of healing that all of the power of hell can't take away. I'm so thankful for that.

I don't know where you are in your journey but I encourage you to hand Him the scalpel when He asks for it. No matter how much you fear the pain of the exposed wound, I promise, it will be worth it.... and He will stitch your heart back up in a way you never dreamed was possible.

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