"All My Single Ladies...All My Married Ladies..."

Insert:: me doing a little Beyonce jig the dorky mommy way while singing this::

Ok, now that I've gotten that out of my system...=)... I just want to encourage you guys with something that the Lord's taught me, teaching me and continues to remind me. I'll start with a story...

I remember it being some while after Mike and I got married and he and I were having a conversation and I was telling him that my story was all wrong. (I'll explain). You see when I met Mike I loved the Lord and was pursuing him all out but as much as I hate to admit it, I still really struggled with having my needs met in others, particularly guys. I was always a pretty good girl but because of various wounds I looked to guys to meet needs that I had. Most of the time, I just enjoyed the validation and enjoyed keeping them around. I hated it but it was just a major struggle of mine. I was such a good girl and loved God will all my heart but in that area it was a constant struggle to be content alone. So that particular day I was telling Mike that my story was all wrong. Most people who get such an amazing guy like Mike had their time of singleness and in some way, "paid their dues" to have such a man. I mean, I laid down major relationships that God asked of me even when it was hard, but inside I never was fully whole going into marriage. I hated that and for the longest time didn't understand the grace God had on me to bring me such an amazing sold out man. I always longed to have the story that I could stand in front of girls and say, "I didn't flirt, I was OK being single, I waited and never settled and then I got the man of my dreams." Not so much for me. I had a lot of other great characteristics and thankfully had an amazing dating relationship with Mike and know he was God's will for me, no doubt, but I guess never fully dealt with the issue before marriage. To add to that I got the man of my dreams. Mike was everything I didn't know I needed and more. I had an amazing dating, amazing engagement, beautiful wedding, man that loved the Lord like nothing I've ever seen, a man that layed down his life for me, etc. Seriously, I felt like I won the lottery but didn't buy a ticket. I was so overwhelmed by God's kindness, grace and mercy, but I remember asking the Lord, "what do I tell these girls who are looking for the dream story (purity+waiting=dream story)?"

I had no answer.

Well, a couple months later Mike and I got in a confrontation and he said a couple things that really hurt my feelings. (side note...) At this point in our marriage I was feeling really good. I had dealt with a lot insecurities and strongholds and Mike had really been instrumental in helping me overcome and get free in some areas. However, this particular time, Mike in a moment of frustration said something really hurtful that cut me to the core of who I was. Though he felt awful later and has repented since, I was still really hurt. Here this amazing, dream man just crushed my spirit and my heart. I remember going to the Lord and feeling so hurt. In that moment, God spoke so clearly to my heart....

"Alicia, you know how you asked, "Lord, what do I tell these girls?"...he said, "You tell them that everything you searched for your teenage years and everything you swore would complete you, you got. You got the a dating story that blew your mind, an engagement that was astounding, and a marriage that was beautiful. You got a Godly man that provides well....(he went on..) You got more than you ever imagined....and at the end of the day, it's not enough. As amazing as your husband (child, friend, mother, etc) is, he will hurt you, he will disappoint you, he will fail you, he is human." God pulled me close and said, "you tell those girls...'"you can get all you ever dreamed of, and it will never be enough for you, but I am.... I. am. enough.'"

The Lord then started me on a journey of wholeness. Honestly, I'm amazed how cool the Lord was to put me with a traveling husband. Instantly, I had to face my fear of death and being alone. "What, I have no husband here to protect me on the weekends..." God said, "I can protect you." ...and he did.
Then I face having a special needs child and the exhaustion of being a single mom half of the week. "What am I going to do without someone here to help me?"...God said, "I can help you." And he does.
Then I felt led to travel with Mike a lot and I said, "But God, it's so exhausting to travel with kids..." God said, "I can give you strength."

The point is, there are days, weeks and weekends where I literally just stand in amazement at the crazy ways He provides.

I could go on and on, but my word to you is this: He is enough. Whatever need you have, He can meet it. He'll either meet it himself or provide the person to meet it. For so long, I knew that but never leaned on him to do it. I either provided for myself and got stressed, got needy on those around me, stayed where it was safe, or was a drain on my husband by being negative and making him feel awful for being gone.

So, am I perfected in this area yet? Absolutely not. It is easy all the time, no way! But there is something so sweet about learning to lean on the Lord and knowing with or without husband, mom, content child, friends, etc, that God is enough. Looking back I have come so far and am becoming so accustomed to hearing the Lord say, "let it go. I am enough for you..."